Court is now quickly approaching. On Friday a judge in Ethiopia will decide whether or not all of the paperwork is complete, at which point he will have the power to make Rosie legally our daughter. Emotionally, she's been our daughter since January 6, but we need that paperwork to be able to bring her home.
It has been an interesting couple of weeks. It has been a lot like the end of my pregnancies with the boys (minus the puffy ankles). I am tired. At almost two years into the process, I am really, really tired. My emotions are very close to the surface, and as such it takes very little for the tears to flow.
My mind has also shifted into overtime. Many of the last nights have been spent laying awake and thinking.
Up until last week, I honestly couldn't think of anything worse than not passing court. Then, we heard the new TB guidelines issued by the CDC and found out that if Rosie were found to have TB when she goes for her visa physical that she would not be granted a visa until her treatment was complete-at least a 6 month delay. And on that day, I couldn't think of anything worse than that.
But regardless of how things feel, I knew that there were things that were worse. And so began the battle for truth to win in my mind and emotions.
Truth: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
Truth: Regardless of the outcome of court on Friday, it is for my good.
Truth: As much as I love Rosie and want to hold her and love on her and take care of her and protect her, I know that my God loves her more, can hold her closer, and can take better care of her than I ever will be able to.
And so, once again, it is about more than just an adoption. It is about learning to live out the reality of what I say I believe is true. Learning to live as if what matters most about Friday is not whether or not we pass court. What's really important is learning to trust God completely for the outcome and praise Him regardless of whether I can see the good in a situation or not.
Truth: That's not an easy thing to do. There are moments of perfect peace, but there are the moments when it is a battle of the will to choose to concentrate on what is true, not what my emotions tell me. And I don't always win those battles.
I am thankful for friends who are here to encourage as we approach the end of this stage of the
journey. Yesterday afternoon was spent with my mentor and friend. I won't presume to tell her story online, as it is her story not mine, but suffice it to say that she is walking through a valley darker than any that I could imagine. My worst fear has come true in her life, and although her heart breaks and mine breaks for her, it is still a challenge and encouragement to see her and hear her making the choice to rest in what she knows is true, even when our "human" eyes can't see how the situation is for God's glory or her good.
Truth: I will never (or at least as long as I am on this earth) fully understand all of what God is doing. I have human vision, not God vision. Isaiah 55: 8 "My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
And so, today and tomorrow and Friday, I WILL rest. Not in a fatalistic, "well God's in control and I can't do anything about it-type way" or in a "what's supposed to be will be-type way", but in an "I am learning that trusting God because His ways are far better for me and my family than anything that I could imagine or hope or plan and so I will learn to trust and lean and rest-type way".
By the way, if you run into me in the next couple of days, remind me of that,okay??!!