This week we mark the
4th anniversary of Rosie becoming part of our family. I had a really hard time
not choking on the word "celebrate" this year when I asked Rosie how
she wanted to celebrate her "Gotcha Day". When we adopted Rosie, we
added a beautiful, funny, spirited little girl to our family. And for those who
know our family best, it is also no secret that we added a little girl who bears
the wounds of an early life marked by death, loss, and upheaval. In the 12
months between when Rosie's birthmother surrendered her for adoption and we
brought her to the States, Rosie was moved 4 times. The last 2 moves were into
orphanages/a new home where she didn't speak the same language and couldn't
have explained to her what was happening or why. Even for an adult, this would
be pretty traumatic; Rosie lived it as a toddler, when she should have been
busy forming healthy, permanent attachments to her parents.
Adoption is a
beautiful thing. It is a wonderful picture of God's grace and redemption, and
adding Rosie to our family has brought a whole new understanding of just how
much my Heavenly Father loves me and pursues a relationship with me.
If you look at
adoption brochures and blogs, you will often see the beautiful, happy side of
adoption.
What you don't see as
often is the reality that adoption is born out of loss and pain and heartache.
But the truth is, that before Rosie could become our daughter, another family
had to lose their daughter. Before Rosie was 2, her birthfather would die, and
before the age of 3, her birthmother would have to admit that she, too, was
dying and could no longer care for her daughter. Before Rosie could experience
the joy of life in a family, she had to experience the upheaval of losing her
first family and everything she knew. This painful, ugly side of adoption is
part of the picture of redemption, too. Were it not for the pain, heartache,
and separation that sin brings, I would have no need of redemption. If I came
bearing no scars and wounds, with no sin and struggle, I would have no need of
grace.
The first year that
Rosie was with us was hard. Much of what we dealt with went unseen by others.
In public, Rosie presented a completely different side to the one we saw at
home. On several occasions when people would ask how it was going, if I was
honest, I was told that I "just didn't understand kids" or
"well, remember, you signed up for this". Hearing family tell us that
“if they had Rosie, they thought she’d do just fine” was infuriating. Watching Rosie cling to everyone else, being
sweet and funny and affectionate with complete strangers, while at home she was
creating complete upheaval was difficult. Rosie perfected the art of projectile
vomiting at will and used it as her personal weapon any time life didn't go
exactly her way. She channeled most of her insecurity at Nathan and worked hard
to get him into trouble, ensuring that our happy, easygoing little boy became
sullen, withdrawn, and angry. Before she even had enough English to form
complete sentences she accused Gareth of beating her and twisting her arms by
miming the actions (accompanied by sobs and tears) to a choir teacher.
Admitting that she wasn't forming appropriate attachments to us was hard. I
cried, A LOT. If you ask Gareth about that first year, he will tell you that
there were many evenings when he would walk through the door and I would say to
him, "Honey, I'm sorry. Supper's on the table. I have to get out of here.
I will be back. I promise." And, I would quite literally flee the house.
(Bless him. My husband is truly a prince among men, and he always let me go,
telling me to take as long as I needed, just to be sure I was parked somewhere
safe if I was going to cry.)
We put Nathan and
Rosie in Mother's Day Out in separate classrooms to give everyone a break. I
stopped letting Rosie be in a room with the boys if I couldn't see them. I read
every book I could find on the subject of attachment. We had Rosie put on a
medication that stopped her reflux and removed her ability to projectile vomit
at will. And, slowly, we made some progress. But, there were still cracks in
the beautiful picture. The days when Rosie would hug someone she barely knew
and say to them, "I wish I live with you. I wish you be my Daddy",
the moments when she didn't get what she wanted at the store and would
literally leap out of the cart to try to hug whichever stranger was closest
while she screamed and sobbed, the frustration of watching her turn into a
completely different, adorable, obedient child when we were at church, the
concern that came over watching her shed no tears while the rest of the family
cried when our cat died, the incessant chatter and attempts to constantly
create an atmosphere of upheaval in our home, the guilt that came from knowing
that I had "done this" to our boys, and the need to guard carefully
how honest we were when most people asked how things were going were constant
companions.
Knowing that you are
in the center of God's will makes things bearable and worthwhile, it doesn't
always make them easy to swallow, though! And yes, I know that statement marks
me out as less than perfect, without a perfect faith, but it's the truth. It is
part of what God has been teaching me, to rest in His will and accept
EVERYTHING that He allows into my life as part of His perfect plan, sifted
through the fingers of a loving God for my good and for His glory. Not that I
always manage to approach life this way (see previous statement about not
feeling like celebrating Rosie's 4th Gotcha Day).
Much has changed.
Rosie has grown. She has begun to trust. It's been almost two years since she
told someone else that she wished they were her parents, we have seen her shed
genuine tears several times, she and her brothers enjoy a fairly typical
sibling relationship, and on several occasions she has said, "I love you"
and offered hugs without seeing her brothers do it first.
But, the reality is,
that there are still cracks in our beautiful picture. Rosie has grown so much,
but we still have so much work to do. Now in 1
st grade, the effect
that Rosie’s difficulty in fully trusting us is having on her anxiety level and
her ability to homeschool effectively with me is very evident.
And, we don't have all of the answers. To
this end, we marked Rosie's 4th anniversary home by beginning work with a child
psychologist who specializes in working with children dealing with
reactive attachment disorder. We are very grateful that
there is a doctor in our home town who is not only a specialist in this rare
field, but also an adoptive parent himself. We don't have a full picture yet,
but his encouragement to us today was that Rosie had begun to form a healthy
attachment to us and that we were early enough in the game that we should be
able to work together to make lots of progress.
It would have been
easier not to write this post. It isn't always popular to admit that you are
seeking help from a psychologist, and, to a certain extent, I get that. I don't
like labels, and I do think that it is far easier to medicate away our problems
instead of doing the hard, messy work of dealing with the underlying issues. It is certainly far too popular to give bad
behavior the name of an "illness" instead of calling it for what it
is: sin.
In the Christian
community, psychologists can be especially unpopular. After all, surely if we
just sought God and trusted Him completely He could and would heal the broken
places in Rosie's heart. And, if we were parenting her in a godly way, surely
we wouldn't have these problems. Besides, what if the psychologist fills our
head with all sorts of ungodly psychological mumbo jumbo??? This view, too, has
some truth to it. Ultimately, complete healing will only come from the Great
Physician. We do need God's wisdom in parenting all of our children. And, it
would certainly be easy to find plenty of ungodly mumbo jumbo if we listened to
every psychologist/psychiatrist/counselor/therapist that came along.
So, why bother
putting this out here for all the world to see? Because it's the truth. Because
those of you that know and love Rosie will be hopefully be spurred to pray more
fervently for her (and for us) knowing the truth. Because there shouldn't be shame in
admitting that we are seeking psychological help for Rosie, and hiding it away
perpetuates the idea that we (or she) should somehow be ashamed or embarrassed.
Because I don't ever want to be guilty of presenting only the beautiful, happy
side of adoption--This can be the reality, and it does a great disservice to
those considering adoption to not tell the whole truth about what can sometimes
happen. Because I believe that it is possible to trust fully in the Great
Physician to work in my daughter's heart and life, and I believe that He can
use a psychologist as part of the process. Because I am working on embracing
Reactive Attachment Disorder as a part of God's plan for Rosie- a gift to draw
her to Himself and show her His unchanging, unfailing love for her and a part
of His plan for me-a gift given by a loving Heavenly Father who is refining my
character, smoothing off the rough edges, purging the selfishness and sinful
inclinations, and working all things for my good.